Tuesday, January 23, 2007
It hurts
I've been hurt numerous times and never was I happy. I ought not to fall in love for a few years and be single, finding my inner self instead. I met with lots of guys and turned down their requests one by one, even my ex. Honestly, I was always quiet, bored, nervous('what should i talk abt?') and feeling silly whenever i'm with guys that I like or vice versa. It was really troublesome though. Some, i think they're go0d but actually they're not. Some thinks i'm perfect but when comes to meeting, they ran. It's really funny to think about it. So0, i tend to play along with: whatever it is call, and just be myself.
One day, a guy i didn't expect to ask me to be his date, asked me... I was flattered and accept it for fun. At the back of my mind, I know it will only last for that day. It will be yesterday's news, when it comes tomorrow. I just enjoy the day as much as I can. Ended up it's a day I should remember for my own reference. It's a real surprise to know this guy. He lo0ks dashing with his own style of clothing, has a very sweet smile, a low profiler and the first impression would be 'this guy is no fun'... but then he has 'alot of surprises'.... It was really co0l knowing him. Weird thing is, i was comfortable with him and I don't care if i acted silly. He welcomes my silly-ness as if it's something to be proud of without me noticing that i was silly... haha... Dumb!Dumb! And so the day ends...
However, after that day we exchanged go0d nite msges and nothing much. A latest movie was so0n to be out on cinema and i just asked if he wants to join me. I don't mind if he wants to bring his friends along, as for my friends are to0 busy with their own stuff. Then we decided that it's a date. I was X-tRemeLY happy and excited abt it. Then when it comes nearer to that 'day'... I was depressed and nervous all out of a sudden. I wasn't sure why. I don't even know why i make an effort to think of what i should wear or dress. I mean, it's totally different from what i normally do when meeting guys... o0h yeah! It was sort of my '"first or second date". Did i mentioned that when i go out with other guys even my ex were not dates at all.. It was like more to having lunch and time=killer?... Well, yeah! It was more of that... Silly! Anywayz, it was really out of my world kind of feeling and i just could not explain it.
On the date itself, I was enjoying myself that I've forgotten abt the timing. I wish the day never ends. I can't remember what we actually talked abt and we never did stopped. I know by the end of the day I'd cried. The day was so0 beautiful not of what i've imagined but similar. I've always wanted my first date to be at a rock concert and that first date can say it was some sort of a concert to0. N i also do want a date that we go to a movie, dinner and just watch a beautiful scenery of the ocean or be on a cruise and just talk abt it. Guess what? That was the second date (similar). I didn't know nor realise it until NOW. I wished that the day won't end very so0n but time just fly by... I had fun and enjoyed much. What left behind and keeps me wonder kills me inside.
I felt indescribable feeling that makes me feel depressed! I don't know what it is. All of a sudden, I lo0ked at potential guys as just guys. I mean, usually and normally girls who are single would dro0l over handsome guys like Chad Michael Murray or the guy in Prison Break! Ever since, i just don't have that dro0ling reaction... I have that lo0k when I saw a handsome guy! Honestly, i dro0l over Chad... I love Spiderman... But i'm speechless when i don't dro0l... What's happening to me?? o0h yeah!... I just realised, I ACCIDENTALLY fall in Love with him. With the guy that i only have two dates with and i shouldn't have fallen in love. I didn't want to fall in love but i did. He didn't know that I did. I mean, dates doesn't mean we're together. Dates are just getting to know someone more. Isn't it funny? Only two dates and i fell... Bullshit! I know...
Worst still, I don't know if he likes me but he may not like me the way i do towards him and it's even more of a reason for me not to fall in love or be in love with him. It hurts cause this happens to me before and it's the exact thing. I don't want this to happen twice but neither would i want to be hanging. Someone told me that if none of us make the first move, you'll never know.. Indirectly i did made the first move and the result wasn't of an ideal thing, so0 i've decided to move on... It's killing me cuz i can't let go0. The truth, i really really like him but neither would i want to be the one hand clapping. Y'know it's like you've finally fall in love but you just can't have it. I mean, why do bring 'it' to you if it's not meant for you? Why give it to you, then to0k it away from you just like that? It really hurts to just fail without seeing the possibility of passing. It really hurts.... It really hurts...
I didn't want to write this all in my blog but this is an opportunity for me to help those who's going through the same thing as me. When it comes to love, sacrifices should be made. It hurts... It always does... Hurt is go0d. You'll resist it when it happens in the future. It takes alot of courage for people like me to write this. It's a high possibility for the person (him) to read this. o0 well, at least he knows...
-> Love is indescribable
? a life to0 precious to WASTE.
3:00 AM
I am 19 as of 2007. Born on 25 July (hari raya haji eve in 1988 at A timing). The third and the last child. Has a cat named BOB, treats him like a brother.
I love Music. Music is my Life.
Treasures friends, family and my Dreams. Daring I am, rebellious still. Passionate and determines my life, no one could steal it from me but HIM.
Blessed with what I have!! Obstacles after another, Patience I learn. Afraid not, I cannot FEAR!! So0 Many, So0 Little... Love me for ME, Hate me for ME. Know me for Real, Fakers are just not me