Saturday, February 17, 2007
Lost and being found
There was a girl who was lonely and lost. She lives in fear. She lives in darkness. She has family and she has friends that care for her. She knew it all but something was missing and something she ought to know.
One day, a guy came into her life. She fell in love without any doubts. He was not as handsome as she would think he'd be, but her heart just fell for him. She knew he was way out of her league. Every time she's with him, it's a totally different feeling. They play catched, they teased each other. That's the first time that she ever felt love. However, everything came tumbling down when she had to move to another town. They lost contact and she knew that's the end. If she has one wish, she could have wish that she will never move and be near to him. She knew that's the last time that she'll wish upon a star every nigth outside her window.
A new town, a home and a whole lot of new friends. She was a shy girl and she's a girl whom didn't actually go out and make new friends at the new town called the new home. She left inside her ro0m, crying and wishing that this could be undone.
Neighbours welcomed them with warm enthusiasm. She realised that all her neighbours are all males. No females, just like the atmosphere she had in the previous town. That somehow gets her comfortable with something. It does feel like home.
She got to know her neighbour whom the same age as her. He was funny, irritating and a smart aleck. He did make her smile at times. He's warmth to be friends with. At least she has a friend to play with. His birthday was the same birthday as the guy she loved. She's still love the guy from the old town. She never gets anyone else to get in the way. Even when she knew that she could not, could never get him. However, this new friend of her made her kept thinking about the old town guy. She always dreamt of him, she wished that she would bump onto him. Never did it happen. Not even once. Suddenly one day, her new friend blurted out that he love her. She was stunned! She laughed her hearts out. She didn't believe him and she didn't like him. She still loves that guy from the old town. She can still remember the time they spent together.
Years past and she finally got over the old town guy. She met someone new in her new High Scho0l. She like her classmate, it's just a crush. However, she met with someone she never thought she could meet. Her long lost friend whom they met since they're in their mother tummies. He became her best friend since. What she didn't know, he likes her then to0. They were best friends, she told him that she likes another guy and she don't want him to tell. She just dreams about and fly about her imagination.
A year later, she and her classmate that she likes attached within a game. For 6 months they're together, then she knew that they're both aren't meant for one another as the old town guy still lingers in the atmosphere. However, she's happy that he's her first boyfriend and glad that they had their try in BGR with each other. A mistake? Maybe... But it's all go0d and they became friends. Then again, her other friends would tease them but sometimes they would get really pissed and embarrassed. She knew it's all jokes.
5 months had past and somehow she felt weird. One evening, her new friend blurted out the question. At that moment, 'why not I give myself a chance and accept him?' she asked herself. Although the heart was still with the old town guy, life has to move on. So0, she came to a conclusion and accepted his love.
She didn't know that her decision would be such a huge mistake. His kisses was sweet, his touched was romantic. He began to do the stuff way out of her imagination. She was weak. She was lost. All she could do was just lay lifelessly and let nature take its course. It was a sin. She knew it was. He's to0 strong and he knows how to bring her down and take her in his control. She was poisoned by his attractions. She to0k it as love.
She knew she had done it. She cannot undo it. She cannot face the world. Fear invade her world, darkness she's living in. Darker than she already is. She's scared. She's afraid. She couldn't tell, she couldn't speak. She's a prisoner! She's just a toy for his little secret game.
She began to cry every single night. She could not see what's her future holds. She knew she has to save herself. She knew she has to run. She knew she had to do something right. She broke the ties and lives her life. Her heart wasn't with him. Her heart was still with the old town guy. However, she was in messed. She's confused. Old town guy didn't save her life, her youth. Why should she be thinking about him? Why should she loving him?
And so0, she moved on a little but she's under the spell of that cruel animal. At her worst state, he knew what he should do. Saying,’ I love you' she will come back to him. Without a doubt she said yes. She saw some changes but not for long. He's hunger was too huge. She fed him again knowing she was being fo0led. She began to realise she is the prisoner like always. She knew it and she hates it. Her heart became cold. Her heart became hard. She played along and knew another guy. She got along well with another guy and is with him while she was with the animal. There wasn't any feeling triggers like the one she had with the old town guy but she was in messed what do you expect?
So0n, that animal threw her away. She didn't even care, she was relief. She's then with another guy. She just says it for the sake of keeping her loneliness filled. She hoped that he would change her. She hoped that he's different but to0 her surprise, he was as equal as that animal. She was hurt. She's depressed. She hates 'love' or should it have been lust. Nevertheless, she never gave a chance to do that wrong thing again. They broke off and never see each other again.
Others came to her life; she was still wondering where has love gone from her life. She didn't have the slightest feeling of love to anyone. She feared. She scared. She didn't want anyone to know her darkest secret. She felt unfair. She felt dirty. Even how many times she told herself that's her past but the scar is still there to haunt. If only she could turn back time, she would go back to the time she met with the old town guy.
Another came and another, one by one she turned down and finally accept one. She thought he could be different and change her heart. Giving herself a chance and giving him a chance to love her. What hurts her the most when he broke up with her 48 hours later. She was pissed and knew guys are shit! She began to wonder if she ever falls in love again. Asking him to think about what's he's doing didn't really expect him to stick with the relationship. She realised that her hurt and her doubts could not outdone the present. She broke up with him and that's the end.
She began to start a new. Giving herself a chance to live with happiness along with some light that shines. Avoid her past and live on with what's around. The old town guy was never met but his sister became her chatmate. She never got to talk to that guy. She didn't bother as she began to suffer from a disease that occurs: the life of a broken home. Her love life was being put aside. She didn't even bother to know or to mend to become better. Her mouth whines. Her heart longs. Her life's at stake, she knew she has to go on. She didn't know that the broken home have made something out of her. Black!
She began to be an adult. She came to a place. She met a guy and out of a sudden it just happened. She felt disgraced. Not once but twice. For fun, yeah it was. Broken heart, broken home. What have she become? A monster that is. Thought that was the end. She got over it quite quickly but pain, was to0 enormous to fade it.
Her friend brought her o meet his friend. He likes her, she like him. What she didn't know, he was the wolf and she's the victim. He was drunk and he needed her. He brought her to a hotel for the night. He went to sleep and she sat beside him. He to0k her off guard and grabbed her still. He was strong. She pushed him with all her strength. She couldn't scream. She couldn't move. He trapped her. Her heart's crying out. Her mouth was sealed. He's the worst predator she put up with. She was raped. She didn't tell anyone. She ran away and cried. She didn't know what to do0. She felt that it's her mistake. She shouldn't have helped him. 'Why does everyone keeps hurting me?' She wasn't aware of anything. She's to0 weak. Her parents didn't know. Her friends didn't know. She wanted to say it out but she's to0 ashamed of it. She picked up the phone and dials '9' "Stupid girl! You can't have him charge. Your parents? Your family? Your grandfather....' She hung up and cries. She lives in fear.
Then life goes on, all what had happened made her stronger, made her realise that guys to0k her for granted. She wishes not to ever fall in love. She wishes that the next love will be her husband and forever the love will last. She was very certain and indeed she will hold on to the decision. Even soo0, it doesn't hurt to know guys and lo0k at them.
She met with a guy that she knew from her primary scho0l. He was indeed different from what she could remember. What brought them meet each other, was her scho0l project. She lo0ked at him as someone that would help her with the project. Probably he lo0ked at her as someone that he can get to know. He's younger than her, matured and amiable. An interesting guy indeed. Though he's younger, he doesn't lo0k like someone of his age. She to0 was deceived by it.
Her scho0l project, get them on a date. She was fine with it. Getting to know someone was not a problem to her. It was just a date. So0, they talked and talked and laughed and joked. That night was a full mo0n. A beautiful night indeed. She smiled and said,'it's a beautiful night. What time is it?' He said the time and continued with,'I should've been in bed.' They laughed and she to0 was tired but she sleeps very late. The night ended with a hug. She felt strange and ignored it.
They contacted still. Like always, like everyone else she treated him. She asked if he wants to watch a movie. She didn't care if he wants to bring his friends along cause that time her friends were all busy and she just needs a company to be watching with. He decided to be a date. To her surprise, he said out as if there weren't anything wrong with it. From her past relationship experiences, the guys have troubles about dating. She realised that she never dated her ex; she just went out with them. Her mind said that, 'this guy is full of surprises'.
All of a sudden she felt really weird and uncomfortable. She was excited but she began to feel strange. As if there's something wrong. As if it was a mistake. However, she knew that she's lo0king forward to the date. She was very curious of how date really goes. From her imagination, she knew that could never happen. She was eager to know if dating in reality would give the same feeling of happiness like in the fantasy. She wasn't really aware why she went through quite a trouble to get ready for the date. She wasn't quite sure but all she knew, she wanted to lo0k her best.
The date went on and she had a great fun. She makes a fo0l out of herself at some point but it didn't matter to her. She didn't care cause he didn't show any sign of 'what's with you?' They communicated well. She was content about it and somehow she knew that's the end. At the end of the day, she couldn't sleep as she has this uneasy feeling that she couldn't figure out. She tried and tried to think about what might have caused it. She searched and digs into anything that she can find to get the answer. Unfortunately, she couldn't find anything. She was clueless. She was feeling miserable. She didn't feel like eating, sleeping or even joking around.
She went back to the place where they dated with her best friend. That's when she talked it all out with her best friend. Her best fried lo0ked at her and smile. At that moment, she knew why. She didn't want to say it but somehow in her heart was screaming with joy. It's as if a bird that have been kept in the cage being freed and fly off for its freedom. At that moment, she knew she has fallen in love again. For the second time. It was a moment of joy. A chance for her to love again.
Time has passed, patience she holds. She knew that it has ended. The dating thing has gone. He didn't feel the same way as she does. She didn't even feel abit hurt by it but guilty. It's not his fault. "It's my fault to have fallen for him" she said. He was surprised cause they went out only once. She was to0. She could not answer why but she didn't expect to fall in love with him. She apologised to him, as she have accidentally liked him. She confronted him when another guy began to like her and show his feelings towards her. She didn't want to hurt that guy for another guy has stolen her heart. She didn't want to live with a lie. If it's this hard, she would go for neither.
They say go for the one who likes you. Then where does 'love' go? If she sacrifices her love for sympathy and healing of the hurt, she would forever feel guilty. It needs two hands to clap. If this is how it's going to be, she would rather be alone and wait for any possibility. For once, she is fortunate to have met that guy. He overturns everything when he just only says hi. A smile makes someone's day and his smile have made someone's life pure. For he, has made the girl's life a wonderful world and has given her a second chance. He may not have the power but he may be a sign that HE sent for her.
? a life to0 precious to WASTE.
4:00 AM
I am 19 as of 2007. Born on 25 July (hari raya haji eve in 1988 at A timing). The third and the last child. Has a cat named BOB, treats him like a brother.
I love Music. Music is my Life.
Treasures friends, family and my Dreams. Daring I am, rebellious still. Passionate and determines my life, no one could steal it from me but HIM.
Blessed with what I have!! Obstacles after another, Patience I learn. Afraid not, I cannot FEAR!! So0 Many, So0 Little... Love me for ME, Hate me for ME. Know me for Real, Fakers are just not me